self confidence & self esteem
- Wendy Hooker
- May 5
- 6 min read
Updated: May 14
Self‑confidence and self‑esteem shape how we see ourselves, how we relate to other, and how we navigate the world. When they are steady, life feels more manageable. When they are low, even everyday tasks can feel overwhelming. Many people seek therapy because they feel not good enough,' 'unable to cope,' or 'held back by self‑doubt. These experiences are incredibly common and they also very changeable
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This blog explores what self‑confidence and self‑esteem really mean, why they matter, what can cause them to dip and evidence‑based strategies to help rebuild a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself.
What Is Self‑Esteem?
Self‑esteem refers to the value and worth you place on yourself. It is the internal sense of 'I am enough,' even when life feels challenging. Healthy self‑esteem doesn’t mean thinking you are perfect, rather it means recognising your inherent worth as a human being.
Key features of healthy self‑esteem
A balanced view of strengths and limitations
The ability to hold self‑compassion during mistakes
A stable sense of identity
Feeling deserving of respect, boundaries and care
A belief that your needs matter
Self‑esteem is shaped by early experiences, relationships, culture and the messages we absorb throughout life. It can fluctuate depending on stress, life transitions or emotional strain.
What Is Self‑Confidence?
Self‑confidence is the belief in your ability to handle tasks, challenges and situations. It is more action‑based than self‑esteem and often linked to skills, experience and a sense of trust in oneself.
Key features of healthy self‑confidence
Trusting your ability to cope
Feeling capable of learning new things
Taking action even when uncertain
A willingness to try, fail and try again
A sense of agency and autonomy
Self‑confidence grows through practice, experience and supportive environments. It can be strong in one area such as work and low in another like relationships.
How Self‑Esteem and Self‑Confidence Interact
Although different, self‑esteem and self‑confidence influence each other. For example:
Low self‑esteem (I’m not good enough') can undermine confidence ('I can’t do this')
Low confidence ('I always fail at this') can erode self‑esteem (There’s something wrong with me')
Strengthening one often supports the other
Therapeutic work often involves exploring both the internal sense of worth and the external sense of capability.
Why Self‑Esteem and Self‑Confidence Matter
Healthy self‑esteem and self‑confidence contribute to emotional well-being, resilience and the ability to form meaningful relationships. When they are steady, people tend to feel more grounded, hopeful and empowered.
Emotional and psychological benefits
Greater resilience during stress
Reduced anxiety and self‑criticism
Improved mood and emotional regulation
A more compassionate inner voice
Increased motivation and engagement
Relationship benefits
Healthier boundaries
More secure attachments
Reduced fear of rejection
Ability to communicate needs
Less reliance on external validation
Life and work benefits
Willingness to take opportunities
Increased problem‑solving
More balanced decision‑making
Greater sense of purpose and direction
When self‑esteem or confidence is low, people may feel stuck, overwhelmed or disconnected from their strengths. Therapy can help rebuild a more stable foundation.
What Causes Low Self‑Esteem and Low Self‑Confidence?
Low self‑esteem and confidence rarely come from one single cause. They usually develop over time through a combination of experiences, beliefs and emotional patterns.
Below are some of the most common contributing factors.
1. Early Childhood Experiences
Our earliest relationships shape how we see ourselves. Experiences that can contribute to low self‑esteem can include:
Criticism, shaming or unrealistic expectations
Emotional neglect or inconsistent care
Feeling compared to siblings or peers
Growing up in a high‑conflict or unpredictable environment
Lack of encouragement or validation
Children can internalise these experiences as beliefs such as 'I’m not good enough, 'I’m too much,' or 'I don’t matter.'
2. Trauma or Adverse Life Events
Trauma can deeply affect a person’s sense of safety, identity and worth. This may include:
Abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)
Bullying or social exclusion
Bereavement
Relationship breakdowns
Chronic illness or disability
Workplace trauma or burnout
Trauma can lead to self‑blame, shame or a sense of inadequacy.
3. Social Comparison and Cultural Pressures
Modern life exposes us to constant comparison, especially through social media. This can create unrealistic expectations around:
Appearance
Success
Productivity
Relationships
Lifestyle
Over time, comparison can erode confidence and create a sense of 'falling behind.'
4. Perfectionism and High Self‑Criticism
Perfectionism often masks deep insecurity. It can lead to:
Fear of failure
Avoidance of new challenges
Harsh self‑judgement
Feeling never good enough
This cycle can significantly reduce both self‑esteem and confidence.
5. Negative Core Beliefs
Core beliefs are deeply held assumptions about ourselves, others and the world. Common negative beliefs may include:
I’m unlovable
I’m a failure
I can’t cope
I’m not as good as others
These beliefs often operate automatically and can influence behaviour, emotions, physical health and relationships.
6. Stress, Burnout, or Life Transitions
Periods of intense stress can temporarily lower confidence and self‑esteem. Examples include:
Starting a new job
Becoming a parent
Retirement
Redundancy
Moving home
Relationship changes
Even positive transitions can feel destabilising sometimes.
Strategies to Improve Self‑Esteem and Self‑Confidence
Therapy can offer a safe, supportive space to explore the roots of low self‑esteem and rebuild a healthier sense of self. Alongside therapeutic work, there are practical strategies that can help strengthen both self‑esteem and confidence.
1. Develop Self‑Compassion
Self‑compassion is one of the most powerful tools for improving self‑esteem. It involves treating yourself with the same kindness you would offer someone you care about.
Ways to practice self‑compassion
Notice your inner critic and soften its tone
Replace harsh self‑judgement with understanding
Acknowledge your feelings without minimising them
Remind yourself that imperfection is part of being human
Compassion‑Focused Therapy (CFT) is particularly helpful for people who struggle with shame or self‑criticism.
2. Challenge Unhelpful Thoughts
Cognitive Behavioural strategies can help identify and challenge negative beliefs.
Try asking yourself
Is this thought a fact or a feeling?
What evidence supports or contradicts it?
What would I say to a friend in this situation?
Is there a more balanced perspective?
Over time, this can help create more realistic and supportive thinking patterns.
3. Build Confidence Through Small Steps
Confidence grows through action, not perfection.
Start with manageable steps
Break tasks into smaller parts
Celebrate progress, not just outcomes
Practice skills gradually
Allow yourself to learn through trial and error
Each small success reinforces the belief 'I can do this.'
4. Strengthen Boundaries
Healthy boundaries support self‑esteem by reinforcing your sense of worth and autonomy.
This may include
Saying no without guilt
Communicating needs clearly
Limiting contact with draining or critical people
Prioritising rest and self‑care
Boundaries are an act of self‑respect.
5. Reduce Comparison
Comparison is a major contributor to low self‑esteem.
Helpful strategies
Limit social media use
Curate your online environment
Focus on your own values and goals
Practice gratitude for what is going well
Shifting attention inward can help reduce the pressure to measure up to others.
6. Connect With Supportive People
Healthy relationships reinforce a sense of belonging and worth. Supportive connections can help counteract negative beliefs and provide encouragement during difficult times.
7. Explore Therapy
Therapy can help you:
Understand the roots of low self‑esteem
Heal from past experiences
Develop healthier self‑beliefs
Build emotional resilience
Strengthen confidence in daily life
Approaches such as CBT, CFT, ACT, EMDR, and integrative psychotherapy can all support this work.
Frequently Asked Questions About Self‑Esteem and Self‑Confidence
1. What is the difference between self‑esteem and self‑confidence?
Self‑esteem is your sense of worth; self‑confidence is your belief in your abilities. They influence each other but are not the same. You can feel confident in a skill while still struggling with deeper feelings of inadequacy.
2. Can therapy help improve low self‑esteem?
Yes. Therapy provides a safe space to explore the origins of low self‑esteem, challenge unhelpful beliefs, and develop healthier patterns of thinking and relating. Many people find therapy beneficial in rebuilding self‑worth.
3. Why do I feel confident at work but insecure in relationships?
Confidence can vary across different areas of life. You may feel skilled and capable professionally but hold deeper emotional vulnerabilities in relationships. Therapy can help explore these patterns and strengthen relational confidence.
4. Is low self‑esteem linked to anxiety or depression?
Low self‑esteem is strongly associated with anxiety, depression and chronic stress. When people feel 'not enough,' they often experience worry, self‑criticism or hopelessness. Improving self‑esteem can support overall psychological health.
5. How long does it take to build self‑confidence?
Confidence grows gradually through consistent practice and supportive experiences. Small steps, repeated often can create lasting change. Many people notice improvements within weeks, with deeper shifts occurring over time.
6. What if I’ve struggled with low self‑esteem for years?
Long‑standing low self‑esteem is still very changeable. With the right support, people can unlearn old patterns, heal from past experiences and develop a more compassionate and grounded sense of self.
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